An Up Hill Battle

This week has been rough, when I decided I needed to turn my diabetes management around I knew it would be hard, but not this hard.

I feel like every time I get myself to a decent number, it is time to eat again. And I know that many of the high numbers I am seeing are from food choices I am making (like eating ice cream or cupcakes) but it is hard for me to say no. I do not want to refuse desserts because I feel like then I am contributing to the idea that type one diabetics should not eat sugar. When someone says "Oh but you can't eat this can you" I feel like I just have to prove them wrong.

It is stupid, and I know that, but no one ever said a diabetic's relationship to food is simple. I cannot wait for the summer to be over so that I can escape the parties and 'fun food' and go back to a more normal diet.

So here is to the end of summer (which thankfully is in sight)!  And here is to trying to make better food choices. =)

Managing

I have always hated the term Control, as in "Is your diabetes under control?" 

First of all, it is a rude question. you do not ask someone if their cancer is under control, you just ask how they are. 

Secondly, it implies a straight line. Often the question even comes with a hand gesture, running one's hand in a straight line to further imply that my blood sugar should be steady and constant as a rock. 

Well here is some news; no one's blood sugar runs in a perfectly straight line. Not even non-diabetics. And my blood sugar is not 'under control'. Diabetes is akin to a wild animal; imagine letting a monkey loose in your house, you would not be trying to 'control' it, to teach it to behave, you would be minimizing the damage. You would react to what the monkey was doing as fast as you could, but it would still make a mess, it would be running the show. 

Personally I prefer the term managed; as in I am doing what I am supposed to, and when the monkey starts flinging poop it is not my fault. 

The truth is, I am not managing my diabetes either. When I started college life got very busy, and for the first time in four years I was not surrounded by people who knew I had diabetes. I was not embarrassed by my diabetes, but I started to notice how incredibly inconvenient diabetes was. 

Well this is going to be the start of a new leaf for me. I am starting over, and I am going to share that journey with you because I think it is important for people to know they are not alone, to know that they can get support, and to stop playing the blame game when it comes to diabetes and just blame the monkey. 

Feeling awfully alone

About six months ago I had a bit of a freak accident, while I was wearing an ear bud in my left ear, I was electrically shocked. The cord to the ear buds had peeled back and a wire was exposed, this wasn't like when you hear static in your headphones, this is like lightening to your inner ear.
This obviously caused a few problems, a bit of hearing loss (luckily still within normal ranges) but still enough to be annoying, and permanent nerve damage in my left ear.

Nerve damage, what does that mean you ask? well, for starters it means pain. It means that playing the piano, or listening to slightly loud music in the car with my sisters, or sitting in worship at church, or talking on the phone through my left ear, cause me pain. It means it will never get better. It might mean that if I'm not careful it could get worse.

I am so sick of going to doctors and being told there is nothing they can do, I'm sick of being told it won't get better, I'm sick of wearing ear plugs in church, I'm sick of keeping my distance when my sisters gather round the piano and sing Christmas carols, I'm sick of being in pain, I'm sick of misunderstanding people, and I'm sick of people acting like it is no big deal.

I'm alone, endless googling and sharing my story with friends and I still have never heard of anyone living with nerve damage in their ear. So if this story resounds with you, if you feel like I'm telling your story, or even one similar, please let me know. No one should feel alone.

My Friend the Diabetic

"My friend the diabetic" she says faster than lightning as she tells some story from her adventures at school.
"Does he have a name?" I ask staring her down with a look of disapproval; we take care of our own.
"yeah... but you don't know it...."

"My friend the diabetic" is a common character in the tales of my freshie sister, and on Sunday I got to meet him (or maybe that's too strong a word... I saw him) in person.

Katie (Freshie sister) goes to an art school... and they do weird artsy things; like having an acting show case. So my mother, my best friend (the diabetic, but MY friend the diabetic now, not HER friend the diabetic .. yeah that's a lot of sugar in one room!) and I sat down the the freakishly small auditorium of this school (you'd think an art school would have a bigger place for their audience) to await my lovely Katie appearance (yeah she was the LAST scene)

Like two hours later, Gracie (My friend the diabetic) leans over to me... for like the thirtieth time cause were bored and whispers "Hey that's the diabetic."

So we spent his whole scene looking for his insulin pump (boys are so lucky, those things are much easier to hide in baggie cargo pants) and found it (Left side lower pocket=).

After the play Gracie decided to 'call dibbs' on Katie's friend the diabetic. So not fair since she already 'called' at least three other boys in the room!

Anyway.... that's My Friend the Diabetic... and no, it's not nice to define people by their disease so now I will say, this guy was attractive, a good actor, and possibly had an adorable accent. (were still trying to determine if he was faking it for the scene or not)

Meeting diabetics in the wild can be awkward... we all deal with this disease differently, and outside of the conferences and camps... it gets a little weird.

Do You Hear the People Sing?- cause it's killing me!

okay, lets get something straight... I LOVE Le Miz... and I'm not one of those annoying girls that only likes it because of the movie... I grew up listening to (not all... cause some are just not meant for kids=o) those songs... I knew who Jon Val Jon and Javier were before I could write (but I'm still not sure on the spelling!)

In fact, I love music in general... listening, singing, playing, I love it all! No matter what I'm doing... there is music in the back round (okay sometimes I wear headphones to give my poor family a break... but we'll get to that.) I've thought several times about what I would do without music... I even watched a TV show about a deaf girl and gave some horrified thought to life without hearing...

Well I might get to find out... Last Wednesday whilst doing my school work (at home) I was getting ready to read a novel for British literature... The Mayor of Caster-bridge a wonderful book... but so not the point! Anyway I'm getting ready to read it, I sit down in a nice comfy chair with my mama's micro fiber blanket... man those things are soft! and I put my head phones in. Now earlier that day I had noticed that some of the rubber was peeling back on these head phones... but being the cheapo that I was; I still used the (they still worked so they were fine...right?) well I had one ear bud in, and went to press play on my iPod .. and my head phones electrocuted me=O by the grace of God I only had one ear bud in....

So now, fast forward to Monday, I'm waiting to go to the doctor (for the first time by myself... yay for being 18!) because even the smallest noises are painful, and there is a constant ringing in my left ear that gets worse when I lie down.

Yeah, I can't make this stuff up you guys! but don't be scared to use your ear buds (though I have second thoughts about the noise cancellation ones that go super deep.... yeah not the best choice!) this only happened because
#1. my head phones broke, and I kept using them
#2. the wire was exposed
#3. exactly WHERE the wire was exposed I brushed it against a micro fiber blanket....and for all you non physics nerds; the blanket was very static-y and therefore negativly charged, when it touched the exposed wire on my head phones some of the electron's escaped into the headphone cord... but once they were in they couldn't get out until they reached my body (our bodies are able to conduct electricity... that is known as being a conductor) and shocked my ear.

So yeah... freak accidents, they make for great stories;-)

The Future....

So I've been thinking a lot about my future.... what I'm doing after I graduate and suchness... Here's what I've got so far

College- I'm going

Major- Nursing!=D

Where- Not sure yet=/

But as with the rest of life I can't just leave diabetes out of my decision.... because that would be un smart (is that a word?) so today my mom and I are visiting a college that I really like, but it's five hours away. That would mean really doing all this stuff on my own, not leaning on my mom. I know I can do it, honestly I'm doing it already, but while the idea of being on my own excites me, it also terrifies me=(

Skimming

Sorry it's been so long since I lasted posted ! a quick recap of my life....

•  I went on my first date! (people where I live/ my church/ home school realm date with the intent of finding a spouse so no ones dating in fourth grade;-)
• I tried a new meter=O the Verio IQ (but more about that later)
•  and I've been caught up in the full swing of college hunting! One of the colleges has even offered me the chance at a 2,000 $ scholarship so next week I have to go 5 hours away for two interviews! but more on that in another post... possibly called the pump in the pencil skirt...
• I GOT MY LICENSE!!!!!! and a post about driving with diabetes will be coming soon to your neighborhood;-)

So anyway, onto this post... Skimming. I've sort of been guilty of a little skimming lately, more like a lot=( I've been doing what I need to stay safe, testing before driving and sleeping and bolusing for the food I eat... but I haven't done any more.... I don't always respond to me sensor alarms, I don't always check before I eat... and I forget to bolus until half an hour after I eat a lot.

I think I've just gotten lazy, but I don't really have the energy or desire to start logging and reviewing logs and adjusting..... I'm just not feeling it=/
This is why I'm so excited for the Verio IQ! A. because new tools always make work more fun and can really help you get a fresh start and B. because the Verio is so dang cool!

 Okay, this is the Verio next to my dex, ( and there matching!) just to give you an idea of how small it is!

 this is the screen that come on when you put in a test strip (thats right no stupid pointless coding screen!)

And this is the light that helps you see your fingers when you test,
(and my dogs butt) it comes on when there is a test strip in so you don't have to turn it on your self and it's very bright

So I really loved the Verio for the three days I tried it, and in the end I decided to go with the Verio (I'm just waiting on insurance and suchness now) here are my reasons for switching from the one touch ping meter remote to the Verio IQ

• Size, the Verio IQ is SUPER tiny! much much tinyer than my meter remote=) it is closer to the size of an ipod nano.
• Speed, this is probably the biggest one=) the Verio IQ is fast, it doesn't take long for each screen to load, and it only takes 5 seconds to show you the reading (yeah I know that's the same as every other meter but I needed to pad that sentence!) Honestly it took ten second less time for me to check with the verio and dial up the bg and correct than to go through the meter remote
• Brightness, I'm blind... and I can't see my meter screen unless the back light is on... the Verio's back light comes on when the meter does. and it's very bright
• blood, the verio takes notably less blood than the ping
• and PATTERN ALERT TECHNOLOGY this is the coolest thing yet, your meter not only keeps a history of your bgs on your meter it scans them to find patterns! and if it catches one then it alerts you and shows you the numbers that are running high/low 

So that's my life... hope it helped=)